THE GOBWOOD
Goblin, Fantasy, and RPG Blog
Almost as important as discussing Goblins is the topic of discussing things that are almost goblins, wouldn’t you agree? Herebelow we’ll be rating non-goblinoid things that are basically goblins but maybe not obviously goblins, you know? Many settings have things that fit the theme of what a goblin is but arent green or lack pointy ears/nose, etc… but these creatures are still pretty goblin to me.
WoW Murlocs
Murlocs are a pretty far cry from goblinoid aside from being short of stature, and yet they’re also so much better at being goblins than actual WoW goblins. They are tribal, superstitious, and weak when encountered alone but they are also cunning, socially complex, and dangerous in groups. To top it all off, their babies are cute A.F. and nobody can resist mimicking their Mrrglrlrgrbrgl sound! As a great twist on the concept, they add an amphibious element and even a deep sea variant. Regular WoW goblins also have a deep sea variant called gilgoblins and they’re stupid and dumb all at the same time and i hate them. Murlocs rule. There are even Fel Murlocs that Khadgar himself has a fondness for; because they’re awesome! Honestly murlocs should have been a playable race before goblins in-game and all the dialogue windows should have been gibberish because murlocs can’t speak common, like they physically can’t. It’s in the lore, really it is. Their language, nerglish, is extremely difficult for most humanoid races to speak and it is a result of the physiological structure of murloc vocal tissue- they can’t make most of the alphabet sounds with their bodies. M R G B and L are pretty much all you get, with the most extraordinary of their race maybe being able to produce a P or a juicy F with practice. Murlocs as non-goblin goblins are 10/10, everything you could ask for, honorary goblin-hood.
Genshin Impact HiliChurl
These primitives are more simian than goblinoid but only in appearance as their behavior is pretty much 100% goblin. They have little tribal settlements in the wilderness but more commonly can be found in the ruins of villages or homesteads that they have sacked. They are also frequently found on the outskirts of medium sized settlements where they thieve and harass as needed to survive creating perpetual problems for the humanoid residents; again very goblin. There are even racial variants differing by size! the basic hilichurl is about 2/3 man-height while the mitachurl (hobgoblin equivalent) is a bit over man-height, and the lawachurl (bugbear equivalent) is considerably larger and more ferocious. The samachurl is a spellcaster variant filling the role of shaman for a group. One of the things i love about hilichurls is their wooden idolatry and artistic use of fur/feathers/horns- they wear their these cool masks at all times, make totems and staves, and always wear a stylin mane from some kind of animal. They don’t often end up as minions which is something most goblinoids do tend toward but overall they’re pretty daggone goblin. 8/10 for these guys.
DBZ SaibaMen
These little green stronzos are vicious, unintelligent, and weak (for their setting anyway). While they may have some visual elements of the Kappa, a little green goblinoid-ish water sprite sort of creature, they’re much more like little green martians what with their brains exposed and all. They’re also a bit like vegetables because they grow instantly from seeds and can, apparently, be modified to take other non-humanoid forms. I’ve always like the idea that goblinoids might be in some way of a magical origin whether because they were originally some mad wizards attempt to make the perfect minion gone wrong or perhaps that they’re simply from another world and are some sort of physical incarnation of chaos… and these guys seem to go with that a little bit because of the seed and modification thing. The big strike against saibamen, however, in my book is that they’re only just barely sentient. Its nigh impossible to relate to any kind of character which doesn’t have feelings or ambitions so saibamen are more like pets or construct minions to me- theres no sense that they’re misunderstood or mistreated. Cool goblin aesthetic but a sore lack of goblin personality. Saibamen get a 3/10 as non-goblin goblins because being green is always worth 1 point, and killing yamcha is worth 2.
Elder Scrolls Falmer
Originally snow elves, these pale troglodytes are now pointy eared, hunched over, and blind after generations of adaptation to deep dwelling and a diet of toxic fungus. If living in caves, eating awfull stuff, and hating dwarves isn’t goblin then I don’t know what is. They’ve got the look, the attitude, and they even tame invertebrate monsters called chaurus kinda like the warrhammer spider-riders. The blind thing is different but fits well with the underground theme- they also have a refined sense of smell and hearing so good that they can use a bow accurately even though completely sightless! Just kidding that’s a lore gap. The most goblin thing of all, I think, is that they were driven from the surface by wars with other races, survived underground only due to an unfair alliance with the dwemer, and ultimately hate everybody for what they’ve become. Every goblin must know what a heartless place the world is, and that knowledge is the summary of falmer history. Also their armor makes you look like a friggin BAMF! Falmer get a 9/10 as goblins at heart.
Mario Goombas
Goblins, or at least the idea of goblins, are one of the oldest folk/fairy tale creatures around and likewise goombas are one of the oldest video game baddies around dating back to 1985. They are weak, smooth brain, and mostly unambitious but occasionally have been portrayed as deep and humanized characters. I admit that I haven’t been playing mario games since the N64 so I’m not a goomba expert but they fail to impress a sense of identity upon me. Take a smiliar creature as an example: Minions! the little yellow guys are basic shapes with limbs and limited individual ambitions beyond pleasing their master but at least they’ve got personality- as a species and individually. Goombas, even in the most modern games, are primarily more of an environment hazard than anything else. You get the occasional talking goomba or quest giver or even party member throughout various mario games but, by and large, for every goomba with personality you bop 1000 more flat and feel nothing. They’re cute (to the avant garde savant), they’re mistreated, and underestimated which are all goblin traits but it doesn’t matter. You can afford to walk into a cave of goombas unprepared and you might die but only if you make a mistake. You walk into a cave of goblin slayer goblins unprepared and you’re going to have awful things happen; walking in was the mistake. Goombas lack the savagery, except maybe a few boss goombas, that would make a good goblin. The live action goombas were… a truly new and unanticipated experience… but they appropriately didn’t break the archetype aside from inverting the head to body ratio. I’m afraid I’ll have to give these poor guys the lowest goblin grades- 0/10 because their closest color variant, teal, isn’t even green and they’re never pointy. Honestly why are they even on this list? It’s not like this was a poll… I picked them just to say “yea they don’t belong here.”
Pokemon Nidorans
Are nidoran really like goblins? eh… not really. But i love that whole pokemon group about as much as i love goblins so i’m talking about them right here right now. Rattatas are probably more like goblins for the way they’re used in the games but the nido-mons do have that spikey devious thing going on. I remember in gen1, i actually thought both nidorans were wierd, maybe a little cute, but… not my style. When i saw nidorino and nidorina, especially the in-game sprites, i was quite put off bc nidorina looked like she had a pigface and nidorino looked like he was trying too hard. But when i saw the art for giovanni’s nidoking on this pokemon calendar my mom got me… wow. I suddenly realized just how much like me, and thus how much like a goblin, the whole evolutionary line is. Nidoking is a beast, a monster, a fearsome and powerful foe but he had to start out as a cute little pesky prickly guy who nobody would take seriously. Eventually as a nidorino he was starting to look less cute, but not yet formidable, just like me as a teenager! But nidorino kept trying, and i kept trying, and eventually we evolved into our adult forms and get mad respect. Yea so i guess maybe nidorans are like goblins, nidorinos are like hobgoblins, and nidoking is like the bugbear all beefy and tough and stuff. Maybe not. whatever. 10/10 because i like em that much anyway.
Halo Grunts
Grunts are amazing. They’re small for the game they’re in, they’re goofy, they’re crazy, and yet they’re also unexpectedly deadly. Every grunt kill is satisfying whether by butt-stroke, headshot, or well-placed ‘nade and strangely its just as satisfying to BE blown up by a grunt’s fuel rod gun or frantic suicide rush with an armed grenade in each hand and leaking methane tank. Speaking of fuel rod grunts… imagine if you gave a classic tabletop goblin a dozen necklaces of fireballs and just let him go wild- its exactly that and it is glorious. The grunts even get a mech suit, which is just a bigger mecha-grunt-body, and guess what they call it? A Goblin. Grunts, to me, represent both sides of the necessary existential goblin attributes- the nihilism of inferiority, and rage against the universe. Their random voice lines in the games portray a range of opposing feelings like panic when you kill their Elite squad leader, bloodlust when the chief’s overshield goes down, exuberance when receiving a power-weapon as a gift, and sorrow when their nipple-brother gets sniped in the dome-piece. Each grunt is just a poor little guy tryin to make it one more day in the universe, but the universe aint makin it easy. Grunts are 10/10 goblins in every way but green.
